dt2's Journal

feelin' out of place at 'home'
the premature carrot was dug up from the soil to be sold at the market day ballroom extravaganza that is now, right now. we sell the sellers the images that they sell back to us. no more time to sit by trees for fear of looking weird to the fake-squirrel-skin-wearers. stop breathing. your breath smells bad, they say. 'i don't want to stay tied,' said the shoelace that was once part of a kite's string.

i was watching a commercial for 'the pill' today that had all of these ballerinas and such, trying to make not getting your period seem like the womanly thing to do. like, 'aah, to be woman.'

i've been something of a self-righteous little shit lately, but it's better than hating myself. i mean, if you're gonna go through the day with a lack of perspective, why not think you're better than other people? i'm just kidding. but i have been quick to think that people are lying or being insincere. i like to think that i wasn't always this way. in fact, i know i wasn't. but i've come across a few situations where it was undeniable that people were being mean about me, behind my back. of course, they think that just cause i stare into space that i'm totally unaware of my surroundings. people will defend their lies to the end, once they've started to tell them. ask berlon. he knows. of course, all this has only led to me being unreasonably suspicious and paranoid, because no one will admit to talking about you or lying to you.

yeah. life's a trip. i used to understand it a lot better. then again, i've forgotten something, but i don't know what it is for the life of me. meditating is hard in this place. literally, because it's so fucking loud and erratic with people knocking on the door for your roomate. metaphorically, because i've forgotten so much about what it is to be alive and/or truly happy, that meditation almost doesn't do any good. but then it does. i guess i don't see GOD anymore. i used to. i forget what he looks like now. plus, he's always showing up as something else. i used to see the right things at the right times, or something. no. that's not right. it has more to do with the eyes i was using to see. i can't see past my own dogma. the meaning is reduced to the symbol, and nothing more.

i am the seen and the seeing. i am the seen and the seeing. i am the seen and the seeing. i am the seen and the seeing. i am the seen and the seeing. i am the seen and the seeing. try as i might, i don't know what i'm looking at or if it's even me doing the looking. becci said not to look for anything. that was really profound.

well, shit, folks.
trent, i suppose.

Current Mood: apathetic

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